In the end, I believe I reached a conclusion I can live with. I covered a corkboard in Polaroids, string, and index cards to such a degree that it would make Carrie Mathison jealous. I asked the family of rabbits who live behind our shed for advice. I consulted with experts (my brother-in-law, a diehard Pearl Jam fan.) I did hours of research. In an ever-changing world, it's good to know that there are still some constants.This was easily one of the most agonizing things I’ve ever done. What are Pearl Jam up to these days? Still sucking hard, still badly ripping off better bands, still trying to be relevant, still preaching and posturing, still letting a muppet bleat over boring riffs. If Edison could have heard this song he would probably have never invented the gramophone, just to save us from the horror. Released on vinyl before CD (so edgy!), lead track “Spin The Black Circle” is a paean to records. In 1994, Pearl Jam attempted to branch out with Vitalogy. “Animal” deals with the pressures of fame - or gang rape, depending on who you ask. “Daughter” takes a stand against the all-too-controversial topic of incest. Another unremarkable collection of tracks, it sounds composed by a GrungeTron 3000. “Why Go” becomes irritatingly repetitive upon a single listen. Performing “Black” at a coffee shop open mic should be grounds for a restraining order. It's amazing the band did anything other than play a grunge band in a made-for-TV movie. The singles are merely pedestrian, but the album cuts are downright embarrassing. Ten sold almost that many million copies. Collectively they mouthed all the shibboleths about gun control and “white male dominance, maaaaaaan …” Seriously, who did they think they were fooling?Ī lot of people, apparently. The others stood around like grinning simpletons in Body Glove shorts and bajas. Vedder played the brooding, tortured frontman, constantly brushing hair from his face, affecting shyness that would make the most twee indie pop bands blush. If Ten sounds like rehashed AOR bands, their public image represented the worst of major label committee think. Ten sounds more like if your dad's classic rock cover band decided to give the “kids' music” the old state college try. Grunge never had much homogeneity, but Pearl Jam can't be explained away as an outlier. Eventually, the pair found self-important San Diegan Eddie Vedder, a name which has terrified children ever since.Ĭritics lumped Ten in with grunge, despite the fact that it has nothing in common with grunge standard bearers Mudhoney, the Melvins, Tad or Gruntruck. Ament and Gossard jammed with some dudes from Malfunkshun, a band even more terrible than its name, and later formed Mother Love Bone, who are most noteworthy for straddling the fence between grotesque '80s glam rock and pretentious '90s grunge rock. Jeff Ament and Stone Gossard (is there a douchier name?) played in a group called Green River alongside Mark Arm and Steve Turner. How did they get to be so boring? Let's explore their pedigree. Somehow Pearl Jam enjoy more acclaim than ever these days it seems that mediocre rock bands, like ugly buildings, become respectable if they stick around long enough. Which is somehow even worse than Jeff Ament's endless procession of silly hats. Yes, for 20 soul-crushing years we've listened to Eddie Vedder mumble.

See also: The Worst Song Of The '90s? A Line-By-Line Dissection Of Alanis Morissette's “Ironic”Īugust marked the 20-year anniversary of Pearl Jam's Ten.

Best and worst pearl jam albums